On Friendship

I know the title sounds like something from one of my hume texts, but just bear with me or dont read the crap that i'm writing. (Disclaimer: As always, you should go do something else more productive with your time.) And this is going to be a sensitive topic, so i guess names should be avoided, esp since i don't know who reads this. Lets see, how do i say this. Oh well, i guess if those pple im talking about read this, they will know im talking about them, but still, all the pronouns will be male.

It is well known that there are many different kinds of friendship. What is less known (at least to me) is that people can treat friendships so differently. For me, friends are divided into various categories. This includes 'acquantainces', 'people whose name i think i know', 'people whom i think will make good friends', 'people whom i know i cant be friends with', 'good friends', 'people who understand me', 'potentially good friends'. For me, friendship is for friendship's sake, not that there should be any ulterior motive. But having come over to the states, I've seen how some people treat/make friends here. Well, i'm not sure how global this phenomemon is, but i haven't been very observant of quality of friends back in sg (well, i know the quality of mine, i don't know the quality of others).

When asked what constitues a friend, A says 'A friend is someone that makes me feel good about myself.' I was honestly abhorred when i heard that statement, but then things started to click in my brain. His comment made sense along lines of how he treated and made friends. They were just for him to feel good about himself. Sadly. And when they no longer make him feel good about himself, its time to say tata.

B says 'What does it mean to 'care' (forgot the actual word) for someone?' My reply was ' I don't really know, you just learn to pick up the small details. I mean, if you really treat them as a friend, you will notice when they are upset, or happy, or excited. You learn to understand and interpret their actions (Like if they have a certain smell, that means that they woke up and rushed off to school). It's not something that can be taught.' Another one bites the dust, though painfully.

C only contacts me when he needs help with stuff. Our MSN conversations reflect that very well. And after a while, i stop caring for such people, and do not bother to go out of my way to provide the help they need.

D thinks that i have to be paid for my help. In fact, i find that downright insulting, and refused to reply/comment after hearing that. I mean, a thank-you meal would be great, cos that means conversations and bonding. And if you were to evaluate your friendships according to money, how much are you worth to me? And the fact that our only real communication this quarter is about this issue ... No point hanging on then.

E is one of those that did something wrong, and doesn't want to admit it. Hence relations have been strained, and almost impossible to communicate. Reopening of said channels only reminds me why they were closed in the first place. And i think that they should remain closed, its not my fault. But i admit, I'm not without my shortcomings.

F is one of those that communicate on a different frequency. I don't understand the way/reason that he does things, and sometimes they do irritate me. But i realize that it's just that we don't see eye to eye. Hence hes sadly put in the category of acquantainces, people whom i can be with, but wont really care to be with.

G is the same as F, but with very weird concepts of friendship. Insanely possessive/demanding at the start, something that isn't justified. He seems to believe in 'friendship at first sight', and moves on way too quickly after he feels that someone doesn't want a deeper connection with him. He fails to understand that things take time, that people need opportunities. Oh well, who cares. I've tried, and failed. I'd just be happy to comment from the sidelines.

H. This one i have no idea what to do with. Impossible to please, impossible to reach a compromise with, impossible to communicate. And when i found out, a quarrel was imminent. Too full of himself, believing that people just have to accept him for himself or deal with it. (haha, sounds alot like me eh)

Of course, this is not reflective of the quality of friends that i have. After i get to know someone, i get a feeling of how deep the connection can be. Initially, many people are on the 'potentially good friend' list, and it takes a meaningful /meaningless conversation before i know where to move them to. Many of those above have been offered chance after chance to connect, but after a while, when there is no reciprocative effort, the olive branch is withdrawn. Some stay there for a long time, awaiting that crucial moment when I can bump them up to their righful place. Sadly, some dont get there due to time/space constraints. This sounds very algorithmatic/mechanical, but i assure you it is anything but that.

I, J, K, L(?) are good friends that i have made here. Thanks for everything. Some of them are graduating and will be sorely missed. I really do hope that we can keep in contact. But, like many friendships, distance puts a kink in the communication.


On a side note, i've been frequently leaving the toaster on after my bagel is done. An irate TK is sending me emails about this bad habit, thankfully he has breakfast much later than i do. Hopefully i don't burn the toaster like Adam. And one more story to balance out the score. I wrote a msg on the whiteboard telling TK to stop piling stuff on a full rubbish bin (reminisant of a certain summer black housemate), and he erases the msg and draws a smily face. He's a good friend.